everything is the same...

as i came up with the title of this post i realized that it is not a totally accurate title... as i saw my boys last friday i realized that they are not staying the same... they are getting BIG!!! although vaughn is not walking on his own yet, he walked around the mall with his mother as he held on to a lower makeshift handle on his stroller... i couldn't believe it... and lee, well lee is a monster... not a mean one, but a cuddly and friendly one... you know, like on sesame street... and not like elmo... he annoys me... i would say more like the cookie monster... friendly with an aggressive, hyper streak... anywho, that is what is no the same...

pertaining to my title it feels like things are moving slowing in the same direction that they have always been going... still missing the boys, still struggling with bills and being stressed and still with a car that is more content with not running rather than, well you know...

now don't get me wrong... i love my life here, but i guess i am just hoping that things could move more in the direction of closure in regards to my boys and "my time" with them... that is why i want a better car, that is why i wish there was more money to pay support to their mother... (is this complaining or just longing for more time with my boys, or both???)

i guess i would be okay with everything being the same if my boys were included in the routine... i feel selfish typing this, but it seems to me that a father, or a real father should long to be apart of his kids lives... there is too many deadbeats out there who don't give a damn (sorry) about their kids and yet they still get rights... where is mine? (for the record i am not challenging God here)

Perhaps this is the place where i need to be praying that God would teach me to be a better father for my boys so that when i get time with them i will know how to be a better dad... was that redundant or did i just repeat a thought in the same sentence??? ;7p

love yall, keep praying....